Wednesday, November 3, 2010

...And not the one called 'The One with the List'....

Everybody remembers that episode of Friends, 'The One with Frank Jr' (and not the one titled 'The One with the List' which was a completely different scenario) where the Friends each come up with their lists of those celebrities that they can get a 'free pass' with.


After some debate, Ross opts to 'bump' Isabella Rossellini from his 'Five' on the suggestion that she was 'too international' and therefore the odds of that 'situation' occurring were made even slimmer. Of course Ross does bump into Isabella Rossellini and we're left asking 'Would he have even stood a chance to begin with?'.

Thanks to her recent appearance in 'Dancing with the Stars', Shakira reminded me of all the reasons why she's been on my 'list' for the past five years. Seriously. The Other Half and myself have joked about this for years. And should Shakira call me tomorrow morning, I expect that she (the Other Half) would make good on her word and let me 'go' - no fault divorce and all.

Coincidentally, I had a 'Ross List' long before that Episode even aired. There were two lists in fact. And one was international. (The latter included such classic beauties as Catherine Deneveue, Isabel Adjani, Jacqueline Bisset and ironically, Isabella Rossellini.)

Of course times change. Tastes change. And People Change. So who's on my List now? Well, you asked for it. Here are my seven (yes, I'm allowed to put as many as I like!) - in virtual laminate.

7. Shakira

Quite possibly the most potent sexual force in the universe measuring under five feet, Shakira has for her Columbian Homeland, single handedly undone the decades of bad reputation built up by Pablo Escobar, the Medellin Cartel and the FARC. She makes you want to not just understand the Spanish language, but to compose long Neruda-esque poems odes to her
doe eyed beauty as well. She just makes me want to be a better man. Shakira has come a long way from being a Coumbian Rock-Star who occasionally shakes her hips and is now a full-fledged international phenomenon as well. Her hips don't lie. And neither does her ass. Or eyes, for that matter. As this video proves:

video



6. Charlize Theron



In the past few decades, South Africa has given us Nelson Mandela, Great Wines and Charlize Theron and it would be a push for anyone to explain why she shouldnt be named the country's number one export. The tall, graceful beauty is the only 'blonde' on my list. In part because I'm the kind of guy who fancies beautiful brunettes, but more importantly due to the fact that there are very few blondes who can begin to measure up on the Theron Scale. Ever since she first stepped out on to the screen in the much underated 'Two Days in the Valley', there have been few other blondes to capture my heart. And as the following clip proves, she really knows how to get the old heart pumping. :)


video


5. Kate Beckinsale

I still recall the first time that I really noticed Kate Beckinsale. It was in the Whit Stillman flick 'Last Days of Disco'. Her character was delicate, pretty, vulnerable and brutally honest to a fault. Not that good a first impression. And of course it wouldn't be long before she would capture my heart with her sweet-syruppy, fate-obsessed 'Sara' in 'Serendipity' and then grind me up aggressively against any of the four walls in my head wearing only her rubber jumpsuit from 'Underworld'. This English Rose is pure class and has the great ass to prove it.


4. Rachel Weisz

Its odd just how many Brits make my list. Perhaps its the accent. Or the playful nonchalance required to not-take-oneself-seriously. There is just something magical about British actresses. Take Rachel Weisz. Rachel Weisz is not your classic beauty - but God help me if she isnt the most attractive f#$king woman that I have EVER seen. But her dark eyes and 'mein' remind me of Tennyson automatically. And thankfully, the ring on my finger and stalking legislation keep me delicately tethered to earth. She makes me week in the knees and fills me with a desire to do nothing but stare, mouth ajar, and drool like a complete idiot. Thank you Rachel.



3. Jennifer Aniston

And speaking of 'Rachel's ........


An ironic choice, I know, given that she played Ross' soulmate for all those years on Friends. I mean 'How Cool is Rachel?' to give Ross such a 'bye' in the first place? Sure he didnt stand a chance with any of the names on his list (laminated or not), but she was the cool girlfriend that everybody wanted because of it. Jen lands on my list for two big reasons: The first is the fact that she probably has one of the best bodies in Hollywood. The Second: Because Brad Pitt is an idiot. There. I said it. I know I'm in the minority when I say this, but Angelina Jolie (pillowy lips and all) would never land on my list. And I for one, would never trade down from a Jennifer Aniston.
2. Penelope Cruz

How is it that I didnt notice you sooner? I remeber you as 'Luz' in La Belle Epoque, but I was too busy ogling your sisters to notice the potential in such an awkward looking young woman. Even years later when you came to America and starred in films like Woman on Top, Gothika, and Vanilla Sky - I have to admit that I really wasnt that impressed. But not so now. Truly the duckling has become a swan, and like a fine wine you keep getting better with age. You are my Iberian Goddess.



1. Elizabeth Hurley

I should have qualified my list up front by explaining that there is nothing scientific in it. Neither are the selections placed in any real and lasting order. All women are beautiful in their own unique way. There must be some scientific rationale to explain why the human heart accelerates at the sight of a certain look or the sound of a certain laugh or voice. A glance through 'my list' and one wonders if there is a type that can be distilled as being unique to me. Brunettes, perhaps? Self-deprecation? Great stems? Accents? Perhaps the last stands out more than the others with this group as there are three brits in my seven. And two latinas with very pronounced accents. As a teenager, I was in love with the French accent or more specifically, of a french woman speaking english. Strange, I know. But heck I wanted to get married to Kate Bush's voice too! But if there was any one voice that I can point to on this list that would get me all RCA Victor every time, its probably Elizabeth Hurley's.



Liz Hurley is yet another of these women who defies the laws of nature and continues to grow old (scratch that) grows better with each coming year. Amazing voice aside, the Hurley-bird looks amazing in a bikini. For that matter, she looks amazing in a sack cloth as well. And thanks to her starring turn in 'Bedazzled' she has made Catholic-guilt irrelevant to an entire generation who will go to sleep tonight believing that the Devil looks like a supermodel. What a sinful delight!

That's my Seven. So, tell me. Who's on Your Ross List?

3 comments:

  1. I think the construction of this blog is fantastic...I found myself wondering where do you get the time to fabricate these verbose items.
    That said, I very much agree on the contents of the list!!...
    but I have an addition...despite her ditziness..Kim Kardashian is HOT

    ReplyDelete
  2. Lol. Never noticed your response before. FTR - I don't share your point of view. Her ass is unnaturally large. Like Coco's.


    G.

    ReplyDelete